“Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. “ -James 1:2-4
There is an old song that my PawPaw used to play often, it says,
“When we all get to heaven what a day of rejoicing that will be, when we ALL see Jesus, we’ll sing and shout for victory!”
When I was younger, I loved these words, but yet they always seemed so far away, somewhat foreign even.
My day fills up quickly with phone calls, emails, school assignments, everyday hiccups like a skinned knee or chipped tooth, and social media, if I am honest. It is when I am here and CAUGHT UP instead of slowing down to SIT at Jesus’s feet…it is HERE in these moments when I ALWAYS fall on my face.
“Do everything you do to the glory of the one who made you because He made you to do every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face, tell the story of Grace with every move that you make and every little thing you do”
This is the song that I was jamming out to, seriously embarrassingly jamming out, as in hoping my shouts would reach the ears of Jesus, jamming out. That is when it hit me that the cultural Christian phrases rising in popularity, you know the ones “Focus on what you want. God’s favor is on your life.”
There she is…She works full time at a job she loves and is overall a happy person. She is the friend that throws everyone’s baby shower and has lots of ideas. She’s the first to bring a meal to someone in need, and she always coordinates weekly lunches with your group of friends.
Yup, that was me.
My friends were always SO surprised to learn that I was the one struggling with infertility….
My husband often day dreams about being a basketball star. I know this because he…
Hi. My name is Shannon Walker. I am three years clean today. No judgmental thoughts, comparing methods, or self-righteously questioning others’ parental decisions today. No holding myself at a higher regard or looking down on other moms. Nope, those are LONG gone for me.
All of my gains, I consider a loss for the sake of Christ. Perhaps if I lived his, I would not seek justice for myself, nor would I yell to get my point across when my husband was speaking over me. Yup, that is what happened this morning over something so stupid.
My three-year-old daughter often tells me “Mommy, I wuv you just the way you awr,” and she really does too. She is a HUGE mommy’s girl! It does not matter if I just disciplined her, expressed disappointment to her, or held her because she was sad. She always exclaims, “I want Momma!!” in ALL of these instances. Sometimes it confuses me, because it would make sense for her to cry for someone else especially after she is disciplined by me, (and Daddy would especially appreciate this). But, it is always the same, “I want Momma!!” Sometimes, this expression even comes with pointing at me until she feels my embrace.
Around that time and about 18 months into trying, I went to the doctor to have tests done. The doctor listened to me tell her how my period had never been normal, how I didn’t always ovulate, etc. Then, she gave me some very disheartening news. She said it would be nearly impossible for me to get pregnant since I don’t always ovulate. The reason was that this usually means your eggs aren’t “healthy” or “whole”, so she wanted to run more tests. This really broke my heart. I always wanted babies, and it NEVER occurred to me that I COULDN’T have them. I could not give the man I loved a baby of his own.. what kind of woman was I?