When my husband, Paul, and I got married, we decided we would wait to have kids for about two years and “enjoy our time together”. After that, we would start trying! I always just assumed that as soon as we started trying, I would be pregnant. I mean, that’s how it works right?! Boy, was I wrong.I never had a regular menstrual cycle, but doctor after doctor had always reassured me it was “normal” since I was active in sports, an active runner, etc. After about three months of trying, I went to the doctor for a regular gynecologist appointment (yuck). I told them we were trying and had not had any luck. They said everything seemed normal, and they could not do anything until we had been trying for at least 6 months. So, we ordered a few books on fertility and a fertility monitor and got serious. Since my period has never been normal, I don’t always have one and when I do, it’s NEVER for the same length of time. So unfortunately, the fertility monitor did not seem to work for us. Time after time, my period would be really late, so I would take a pregnancy test and it would be negative. It was those nights that the tears just would not cease. I took probably around 100 pregnancy tests from the time we started trying. I would hear stories of people that said their 1st test was negative but the 2nd was positive….So, I always took a 2nd one which probably made it worse.
After almost a year of trying, I got a full time job which kept me really busy. I also started spending more time in prayer in the mornings. God had already made it clear that he wanted me and Paul to adopt eventually, so I started thinking that maybe God just wanted us to adopt first. We started taking fostering and adoption classes. We finally got certified to adopt near the end of 2011. As soon as we got certified, we found out we were moving, so we were told that an adoption was not an option as we would not have time for all of the paperwork and waiting periods. I was DEVASTATED. On top of everything, everyone around me seemed to be pregnant which left me feeling happy for them but broken inside. It was a very hard and humbling time.
I knew that God had a plan for me, even if His plan was not what my plan was. He does want the BEST for us, even when we do not understand it. But why did He give me a passion that He refused to fulfill? Two verses that I prayed over and really clung to during this time were Psalm 18:6:
“I called to the Lord in my distress and I cried to my God for help. From His temple, He heard my voice and my cry to Him reached His ears.”
This was SO promising to me, because I failed to understand why God was not “hearing” all of my prayers. He WAS hearing them. Even if He does not respond the way we want Him to in the moment, He still HEARS our cry and wants the very best for us. The 2nd verse that stood out to me was Hebrews 10:23:
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is FAITHFUL.”
This verse helped change my entire outlook. God is FAITHFUL. If He gave you a passion to have kids, He gave you that passion for a reason and He is faithful!! I began thanking God for his faithfulness and trusting Him even though I didn’t understand it.
Around that time and about 18 months into trying, I went to the doctor to have tests done. The doctor listened to me tell her how my period had never been normal, how I didn’t always ovulate, etc. Then, she gave me some very disheartening news. She said it would be nearly impossible for me to get pregnant since I don’t always ovulate. The reason was that this usually means your eggs aren’t “healthy” or “whole”, so she wanted to run more tests. This really broke my heart. I always wanted babies, and it NEVER occurred to me that I COULDN’T have them. I could not give the man I loved a baby of his own.. what kind of woman was I? God quickly snapped me out of that mindset. That is SATAN’s words not God’s. I continued to cry a lot and pray even more.
Within a month or so, I came to realize that if I could adopt a baby that was not mine even if I had to wait a while, I would love him/her just as much as my own. After all, God adopted me as His child so who am I to think adoption isn’t “the same”. I prayed relentlessly. I’m sure God was so tired of hearing from me. Then, I FINALLY shared my struggles with a few couples and friends in my church who prayed and cried with me, and it was so refreshing for my heart.
During this time, God kept reminding me through scripture and through prayer that He is FAITHFUL. I had planned as much about having a family as I could, and now it was time to trust God…and seriously trust Him. That was really hard for me. I was only able to do it through constant and continuous prayer. Sometimes, the miracle we need in our own lives is the result of our small steps of faith. That was the case for me. God not only wanted me to TRUST in Him, but He wanted me to put my full faith in Him and take steps to do so.
Now, you’re going to call me crazy…people always do when I tell them this. … But, I started planning for a baby. With Paul’s blessing, I bought a crib, a stroller, and some baby clothes. That was my way of REALLY trusting God. He had given me and my husband the passion to have babies, so I trusted we were going to have a baby. I started planning and really planning like I was pregnant! It renewed my joy. About a month after we started buying baby stuff, I found out I was pregnant! We were in the middle of doing Insanity (the workout) and I started feeling sick. I didn’t take a test though, because by that time, I was TERRIFIED to take pregnancy tests. I stuck it out for that week. Finally that weekend, we went to St. Louis to celebrate Valentine’s Day together. I was SICK the entire weekend. Still, I refused to take a test. As soon as we made it back home, Paul convinced me to take a test that he bought. It was positive…I didn’t believe it! And so, I had to take 3! The following week, one of the two doctors that had told me how getting pregnant would be “near impossible” was the same doctor to confirm that I was pregnant! God is so good!!
God showed me how to live in faith by fully trusting Him. God wants us to have enough faith to take a step or two out of the box, and He’ll meet us! He is always good and FAITHFUL even when we don’t understand, and our God is Lord of the impossible!
God, Help us to trust in You even when we don’t understand. Give us the strength to take each small steps of faith as we trust in You to work out the big picture in your lives. Thank you, Lord, that you are always faithful and always hear our cries even on the darkest nights. We praise you, Lord, for YOU are Lord of the impossible! Amen