Hi. My name is Shannon Walker. I am three years clean today. No judgmental thoughts, comparing methods, or self-righteously questioning others’ parental decisions today. No holding myself at a higher regard or looking down on other moms. Nope, those are LONG gone for me.
All of my gains, I consider a loss for the sake of Christ. Perhaps if I lived his, I would not seek justice for myself, nor would I yell to get my point across when my husband was speaking over me. Yup, that is what happened this morning over something so stupid.
Recently, I have been hurt by others gossiping about me. It is something we all endure from time to time. It is not fun not being “included” or being the one talked about, but isn’t this what Jesus warned us of? (Philippians 3:7-11) Following Him guarantees we will never be the “in-crowd” nor the “cool kids”, often even in Christian circles.
My three-year-old daughter often tells me “Mommy, I wuv you just the way you awr,” and she really does too. She is a HUGE mommy’s girl! It does not matter if I just disciplined her, expressed disappointment to her, or held her because she was sad. She always exclaims, “I want Momma!!” in ALL of these instances. Sometimes it confuses me, because it would make sense for her to cry for someone else especially after she is disciplined by me, (and Daddy would especially appreciate this). But, it is always the same, “I want Momma!!” Sometimes, this expression even comes with pointing at me until she feels my embrace.
Around that time and about 18 months into trying, I went to the doctor to have tests done. The doctor listened to me tell her how my period had never been normal, how I didn’t always ovulate, etc. Then, she gave me some very disheartening news. She said it would be nearly impossible for me to get pregnant since I don’t always ovulate. The reason was that this usually means your eggs aren’t “healthy” or “whole”, so she wanted to run more tests. This really broke my heart. I always wanted babies, and it NEVER occurred to me that I COULDN’T have them. I could not give the man I loved a baby of his own.. what kind of woman was I?